Stoned Soul Picnic

life quote

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:15:34 GMT

"Life: 10 plus 90 percent

Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it."
Irving Berlin

Postive Attitude Quotes
April 28, 2008
Lucy MacDonald

a smoking entry

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:24:47 GMT

i haven't made one of these in a while. just writing to say that i haven't had a cigarette in 164 days. (i'm not neurotically keeping track - i just get these emails every day that tell me how many days have gone by, how much money i've saved, cigarettes i haven't smoked, and lifetime spared ha...very specific).

so, while 164 isn't some special number, its good to look at it anyway because its just one of many regular days i've had without smoking. not smoking is not supposed to be this marked occasion, its supposed to be a casual thing that becomes your lifestyle. so, in hopes of achieving that, lets celebrate this random amount of days that i haven't smoked.

i worry myself sometimes. i speak of this as if i'm expecting the word at the end of the sentence to be "yet." i do worry...i dream about cigarettes. i wonder how much control i have and then i remember that its not about control - its about freedom. sarah i have to give you back your book next time i see you....and i have to buy a couple copies - for myself and for friends. Allen Carr - The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.

did i notice people smoking this much before i became a smoker? i can't remember. but i see it everywhere now. sometimes it is a hurdle. sometimes i just have to force myself to look onward and keep walking no matter what temptation presents. i think of all the healthy people in my life who don't smoke. how it would never occur to them to smoke because they are nonsmokers and they don't find any pleasure in it. i think of the smoker's illusion that they are missing out. (i just wrote "us smokers.") and i remember that it is the NON-SMOKER who is pitying the smoker, or wanting to get away from them. a genuine pleasure or crutch it is NOT. i'm not missing anything. i am only gaining a beautiful quality of life. of course!

i either need to go back to sleep or meditate...i'm forgetting what i want to say because i'm too busy trying to remember the other thing i forgot to say so now i've forgotten two things and i'm left with an ickie sinking ickieness.

maybe go back to bed first for a bit, then meditate...

oh i remember what i wanted to say. my old boss told me that he went five months without smoking EXCEPT for this one time he had ONE cigarette and it made him so sick he had to call out of work.

so that's another thing that keeps me from doing it - the fear of how sick i will feel after not smoking for so long.

but i remember my very first cigarette didn't make me feel that sick, it just made me feel very light-headed and dizzy but that passed quickly.

but no no no no...my boss just felt the poison going into his body more than i did - the same thing was happening to each of us - he just had the gift of being more aware of it.

cigarettes are poison. would you drink a glass of poison that you knew would kill you over time? no. but cigarettes are not only poison - they are addictive poison. i will not knowingly enter that world again.

Tibet

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:34:24 GMT

Copied and pasted from the website:

I just signed an urgent petition calling on the Chinese government to respect human rights in Tibet and dialogue with the Dalai Lama. This is really important, and I thought you might want to take action:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/98.php/?CLICK_TF_TRACK

After nearly 50 years of Chinese rule, the Tibetans are sending out a global cry for change. Violence is spreading across Tibet and neighbouring regions, and the Chinese regime is right now making a crucial choice between tougher crackdown or dialogue.

President Hu Jintao needs to hear that "Made in China" exports and the upcoming Olympics in Beijing will have the support of the world's people only if he chooses dialogue. But it will take an avalanche of global people power to get his attention. Click below to sign the petition--in just 7 days, the campaign is over half way to the goal of 2 million signatures!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/98.php/?CLICK_TF_TRACK

spiritual science

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 03:38:52 GMT

i love this woman!

lynne mctaggart, author of "The Field"

No Impact Man Blog 3/12/08

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 16:30:07 GMT

No Impact Man
Demand better
Posted: 12 Mar 2008 02:00 AM CDT
I've been thinking about how to say this all night, and finally, I realized that I'd already said it close to the way I meant to (but I added the emphasis in bold tonight):

I am not realistic. I never want to be realistic. God save us all from realism, especially if it means we have to limit our vision for the world.

Most of us love our children and want to be polite to our neighbors. Most of us, unless we are diseased by terrible living conditions or alcohol or drugs, would rather give than steal. Most of us, in our hearts, want peace and harmony for ourselves and for the rest of the world. Most of us, too, believe that we should take good care of the planet, just because it is the right thing to do. In other words, in the depths of our hearts, most of us are not “realistic.”

When I was child, and I first heard of war, I was appalled. My mother had taught me hitting was wrong. I categorically understood that people should not hurt each other. Then I grew up and I became realistic. Peace, feeding the hungry, a healthy planet, an end to war, these things just aren’t realistically possible, a mature mind understands. Well, when it comes to these things, I’ve been both an idealistic child and a realistic grownup, and I think I was a better person when I was an idealistic child.

I believe in the goodness of human nature. I believe we can get distracted by many things, but that, ultimately, we all want to do what is best. Because that is true of people, I believe we can make the planet better for all of us, that we can have peace, feed the hungry and end war.

I believe too that every action each of us takes makes a difference. Every time each of us rejects a disposable bag brings the world one step closer to being the kind of place where sea turtles don’t die from eating plastic. Every time each of us sacrifices a car ride brings us the world one step closer to being the kind of place where there is no global warming. Every time one of us tithes our income brings us one step closer to ending world poverty. Every time one of us calls a member of congress brings our representatives one step closer to caring more about voters than campaign contributors.

Perhaps people will think I’m too optimistic. But this is for certain: these things can’t be true if no one takes the chance of believing they’re true. Because if we don’t believe they are true, we won’t act as though they’re true. And if we don’t act as though they’re true, they can’t come true. That’s why realism does little but protect the status quo.

Being optimistic, on the other hand, is the most radical political act there is.

All we have to imagine something better. And then insist upon it.

mcdonalds and pets of bel air

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:00:12 GMT

http://www.mcspotlight.org/help.html

also, i found this:

http://video.hsus.org/?fr_story=38247e8c8ea570aca40146c9477f280b28113254&rf=bm

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 12:36:30 GMT

every moment is a new opportunity to treat my self kindly. with compassion. with love.

On Quitting

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:55:36 GMT

From Quitnet.com:

Don't Ever Go Back

Once you are a non-smoker, you'll want to stay that way. One of the main reasons for relapse: being caught unprepared by highly emotional situations. Think about how you deal with your feelings now, and what improvements you could make. Overall stress management is a day-to-day practice. Give yourself at least half an hour a day to sit, breathe, meditate, daydream, or listen to music. Reward your mind and body each day for choosing a healthier lifestyle.

105 days, baby.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 05:20:32 GMT

and why is the media acting like this is something new? the cattle torture? this goes on all the time. this is not a special case.

Cattle Tortured - Meat Sent to Elementary School Cafeterias

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 17:43:01 GMT

ocean updates

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 17:56:26 GMT

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/map-details-human-impact-on-oceans/20080214170709990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

humans are damaging the ocean. this is so important. please read if you can.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:21:50 GMT

theory of the day:

labels are unnecessary.

No Impact Man Blog 2/14/08

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:09:54 GMT

No Impact Man
To escape city life, embrace it
Posted: 14 Feb 2008 02:00 AM CST
If 16 million New Yorkers moved to the countryside to escape from city life, the devastation would be terrible. But what if the way to improve life is not to move the people to the countryside but, in a way, to move the countryside to the city? That is part of the idea behind the happy city and livable streets movement.

Making cities excellent for living in, by the way, is a crucial step forward if we are to maintain the planetary habitat that people depend on for their health, happiness and security. Indeed, "smart growth" and compact living are central pillars in the energy policies of many environmental organizations.

To make such policies successful, though, requires not only vision and imagination, but better yet, reliance on an increasing body of real-life experience. As to that experience, Paul Steely White, Executive Director of Transportation Alternatives, sent me an excellent article by Charles Mongomery, published in Air Canada's in-flight magazine enRoute (of all places). The following are quotes from the article:

"Changing the way we design and use public space can change the way we move, the way we treat other people and ultimately the way we feel."
"In recent years, [Paris] residents have become so sick of noise, pollution and congestion that they have thrown their support behind a radical plan by Mayor Bertrand Delanoë to reclaim their streets. By 2012, suburban cars will be banned entirely from the city’s core."
About the new Paris bike-sharing program: "Making the road seem more dangerous by injecting thousands of bikes into traffic may actually be making it safer. Bike accident statistics have flatlined, even as the number of cyclists has jumped in Paris by nearly 50 percent in the last six years."
"Encounters we have on foot or by bike [as opposed to in cars] tend to build trust. It’s in the eye contact we make as we choreograph our movements. When it works, we become just a little less fearful of each other...So the more we meet outside of our cars, the kinder and gentler we’re likely to become."
"As a bonus...happy folks are more likely to volunteer, to vote and to return lost wallets to strangers."
"Bogotá [Columbia] was mired in poverty, chaos, violence and crippling traffic when [Mayor] Enrique Peñalosa decided to redesign it using lessons from happiness theory nearly a decade ago...Peñalosa declared war on cars...He pushed cars off prime road space in order to make room for an efficient rapid bus system so that the city would feel more fair."
“What are our needs for happiness?” Peñalosa said in explaining his policies. “We need to walk, just as birds need to fly. We need to be around other people. We need beauty. We need contact with nature. And, most of all, we need not to be excluded. We need to feel some sort of equality.”
"The number of road fatalities fell by a third. Traffic began moving faster as people switched to the mayor’s rapid bus system."
"The shift in priorities had a psychological effect on the city. Polls found that optimism shot up. The murder rate fell by 40 percent. By the end of Peñalosa’s term, residents had voted to ban private cars from rush hour by 2015."
"The more time we spend on foot, on bikes or even on public transit, the more we slow down and the more we fuel this kind of social alchemy. Ironically, it may be the crisis of climate change – and the push for carbon austerity – that reinvigorates street life around the world."
The thing is, I know how much we all love our cars. The thought of not having them horrifies us. But is that because driving around alone in steel boxes is so great, or is it because not having a car in a society so completely structured around the automobile is so difficult?

What if we envisage a better society that did not depend on cars? What if our towns and cities were structured in such a way that the expense of having a car just plain wasn't worth the hassle? What if we designed our cities in such a way that you didn't need to drive to the countryside but could just hang out on street with lots of neighbors, lots of trees and no exhaust fumes?

Isn't there a chance that might be better?

Quitting Smoking is Easy

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 23:32:16 GMT

Its true. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I have ever done. The difficulty was an illusion, the result of massive brainwashing. The truth is, I never needed to smoke, I wasn't missing anything before I started, i never needed it while i was doing it, i never enjoyed it even though i could've sworn i did, and now that i don't do it anymore, i'm back to the state i was before smoking and better. now i know how amazing it is to just breathe; i took that for granted before. not to say that you need to smoke to understand that - in fact, i should've tried to understand before regardless - there are so many ways to do this - meditation, relaxation, body awareness...i mean, so many that i'm not even touching upon. to not smoke is to be cool these days. its a revolution and smoking is slowly being phased out of society because we collectively understand that there are no advantages, major disadvantages to smoking, and MAJOR advantages to not smoking. we see a little more clearly. one of these days smoking will be a thing of the past. i'd really like to believe that. i think one day it will happen. its all about profit. to think of how much we are supporting those BASTARD tobacco industries that profit off of our eventual miserable deaths and all the sickness until then. they profit off of sickening the earth, they profit off of sickening our children. that is such an evil concept. to think...it all comes down to money. all of it. do you think they would want their children smoking? of course not. its money and its evil. i won't give them the satisfaction. i won't give them another cent.

soon i'm going to look through carr's book and write down specific quotes that really stand out to me, that really make me NOT want a cigarette in weaker moments. it turns it around and it makes it all easy. enjoyable, strengthening, proud.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:59:10 GMT

http://www.johnsoncitypress.com/PrintObit.php?ID=20842

I saw this on facebook and then on Vikkilynn's journal. Polly was featured on the HBO: Thin Documentary. She had such a sharp, witty, bright personality. she seemed so kick-ass, seriously. she seemed like the kind of person who was just fiery, passionate, spoke her mind, and she seemed like a really sweet and generous friend as well. when she spoke, they listened. I noticed that while watching. If you want to watch her on the documentary, you can go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnZ8dt2W7Lc

She is introduced a little while into it.

Its divided up into eleven segments on youtube so if you want to watch the rest (she is in it a lot) just keep clicking on

HBO: Thin (1-11) , HBO: Thin (2-11), HBO: (3-11), and so on. if you can't find it on the screen that pops up just type it in in the search engine.

Rest in peace, Polly.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:35:09 GMT

i need a daily mantra. its going to change every day because i get bored easily.

today it is, "every time you smoke a cigarette, your heart has to work harder to pump your blood."

every time you smoke a cigarette, your heart has to work harder, for YOU. its really doing all it can. your lungs have to work harder which wears on your heart.

focus on the heart today. in yoga, focus on the heart.

"Truth is the 'light' by which to find your way out of darkness. Turn it on."

- Rabbi Nachman of Breslov

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:24:30 GMT

From the blog of No Impact Man:

No Impact Man
What it's like being me
Posted: 07 Feb 2008 02:00 AM CST
Fun. Tiring. Exhilarating. Depressing. Interesting. Worrying.

Way back when I started this whole No Impact thing, I felt so frustrated with the political process and so voiceless that the only thing I felt I could do about what I considered to be an international emergency was change the way I lived. I wanted to shout from the rooftops: LET'S FIX THIS PROBLEM!

But who would have listened to me? So what I decided to do was just what I could. I worked really hard to reduce my impact and to learn a lot about the issues. I started writing about what I learned on this blog. The weird thing was that once I started to work towards living a lifestyle that had integrity with my values, people started asking me what I had to say.

That's lesson number one: that if I demonstrate what I believe in, people are more likely to listen to me than if I just talk about what I believe. People respect integrity. I'm not saying that I have that much of it. There are a lot of people--and I mean a lot--who have way more of it than me. It took a book contract and a blog to get me to really stick to my guns. Of course, if I'd stuck to writing history, I would have earned a much better living, but I just couldn't anymore (refer to lesson number one).

Lesson number two: we all can make a difference. We all really matter. The way we live our lives and what we have to say has consequences for everyone else. The only difference between someone who makes a difference and someone who doesn't is whether they believe they can make a difference. That, at least, is what happened to me. I suddenly got the inkling that I could make a difference and I like to think, these days, that I can.

And now the No Impact project proper is over. Having lived it has given me the wonderful privilege and terrible responsibility of being listened to. I'm spending three quarters of my day writing the book about the project, which is due on May 1, God help me. I spend the rest of the day writing the blog and corresponding with people who know a lot more about this stuff than I ever will. I'm constantly working to know what I want to say.

But today I know what it is I want to say. That I'm no one special. We all can make a difference if we believe we can. We need to talk to everyone we know. We need to march into the offices of our congressional representatives and tell them that we want more done. In fact, I'm going to do that myself soon--march into the offices of my congressional representatives.

I'm going to tell them that there are tremendous opportunities in this climate change/national security/economic crisis that comes from our overdependence on fossil fuels. I'm going to tell them that the United States could easily become the world leader of a new renewable energy industry. We could create good jobs. We could solve the climate problems. We could cease fighting over oil. We could help recession-proof our oil-dependent economy. To hurry this process, we need government action and investment.

And we also need emissions capping. We need to find a ways to reduce our dependence on automobiles and build real communities where we can walk and visit with each other. We need to weatherize and sustainably design our buildings so that we keep our heat in. We need appliances that conserve their energy. And we need a more resource-effective industry. In short, we need regulation that encourages us to waste less.

Will my visiting my congressional representative make a difference? Only under one condition. That all you visit your congressional representatives too. And that brings me to lesson number three: each of us needs each other if we hope to make a difference. I need you. You need me. We all need to join our voices together to let our representatives know that we see a wonderful new frontier ahead. And that we want to move towards it, not lag behind it.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:11:50 GMT

lets compare smoking to other things to take away its power and intrigue.

i used to self-injure. i did that for six years too. there was a day when i couldn't see myself never self-injuring again. i would think, 'i don't think anything is powerful enough to stop me from doing it. its just an action. what if i just do it? almost just to fuck with myself?'

in some ways i feel that way about smoking. i smoked for six years, and right now i don't have sufficient evidence that i can without a doubt never smoke a cigarette ever again. what if i just did it one day, with no rhyme or reason, or maybe because i'm just so sick of not smoking?

but i know that...i guess we can't ever really know these things...but i feel no urge to cut myself. i am not panicked about some eventual fantastical day that i will just "give in" and do it because there's nothing to "give in to." its no longer, it never was, a crutch. a false crutch, yes, but now i see it for what it is. its not a crutch. its nothing. its just pain. it would serve me no purpose these days. why would i want pain with no reward?

that's what cigarettes are - pain with no reward. i have to permanently rid myself of this belief that there IS some sort of reward, that it IS a crutch of some kind. other than harming me and eventually killing me, its useless.

there's no need for factory farmers to treat and kill animals as they do, but they do it anyway, because they think there is a reward. the perceived reward is in the profit. but there is actually no reward for anyone. the chickens aren't making any honorable sacrifice. they didn't choose this. people eating the meat - if faced with exactly where their meat came from - would not enjoy it. the employees are just following orders. they're not the happiest of folk at the end of their nine to five. some perceived global profitable reward? but individually, nothing. only disgust. or worse: apathy.

same thing with cigarettes - if you had to be aware every second you were smoking one of what was in it and where it came from, you wouldn't be able to tolerate it. therein lies the truth: NO ENJOYMENT. NO REWARD. MUCH DENIAL. MUCH AVOIDANCE.

its normal to have moments like these but i have to remember carr's method. i have to carry his book around with me everywhere. i used to be so much more on top of this. doubting is not healthy. there is no point to doubt, other than to destroy anyway. i love myself and i love the quality of life i've gained since stopping smoking and i'm always going to embrace that. i choose to embrace it right now. my breath, right now, is full.

let me put it this way: i am still at the point where, if i had absolutely nothing to lose, like i was on death row, or i was given a freebie day to do whatever i wanted without consequence....i would smoke a cigarette.

i want to not feel that way. i want to have no desire whatsoever. i want to not see an appeal.

edit: then again, smoking was more addictive than cutting. also, cutting was wrapped up in depression and feeling like i deserved pain. smoking wasn't.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:28:41 GMT

eighty days no smokes.

smoking: i need your help

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 18:46:29 GMT

my biggest smoking fear:

i will turn into one of those people who went for years without a cigarette and suddenly became hooked again. or not even become hooked, but smoke, at least one cigarette, and then feel awful about myself. and the more time that goes by, the more awful i would feel, and the greater the fear becomes. because what if god forbid i do smoke another cigarette one day? how would i live with myself? the consequence would just get worse and worse the longer time that's gone by. i NEVER WANT TO SMOKE AGAIN. I WANT TO WANT TO NEVER SMOKE AGAIN.

HOW DO I KNOW I'VE KICKED THIS!?!? WHEN IS IT OVER???

i have been reading "easyway" but i've been too anxious to read long passages at a time.

i keep dreaming about smoking. that i give in and have a cigarette. or that i smoked as though i'd never stopped. or that i almost smoke and then decide not to. always dread though. if i do smoke, always horrible disappointment.

i haven't smoked in 78 days which yes, may be the longest i've ever gone but who's to say its over???

i'm having doubts and that is not healthy. i have to force myself to sit down with the book again and read it cover to cover. the excitement of its message has died down. i'm not doing this fresh new project anymore so i'm bored. this always happens.

i will not smoke again. my goal is to not smoke again without even using willpower. i don't need willpower if i don't smoke in the first place. i am a non-smoker. i'm free. why is that not as exciting as it once seemed? this scares me, that i'm thinking like this....

help?

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:59:02 GMT

taken from quitnet.com:

Day 1 ****!

Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o'clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great;two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for businesstrip. Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keepcatalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mailcarrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.Federal crime.

Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Day 1: ****.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cigarette" alternatives

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 03:27:55 GMT

i'm happy to be home.

65 days without a cigarette.

maybe i should start thinking of something to call it that will make it sound appalling, so it will sound like what it really is...

sickarette

cigaROT

cigashit

cigadebt

sinarette (i don't actually mean that its a sin to smoke, you know)

sinkalung

killapet

wheezarette

cigashit

ciganot

cigadie

cigadeath

cigasnot

snotforrent

suffocette

onelungleft

cigathreat

demonette

any additions from your fine minds?

"Fat Rant"

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 19:22:39 GMT

taken from charmed_girl.

this is sooooo good!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

Thoughts on Smoking

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 07:12:22 GMT

words aren't enough but they'll do.

i smoked for six years.

today has made 49 days without a cigarette. (i just checked quitnet.com). i've decided to make these smoking entries public because this really is a huge part of my life and i don't wanna miss it.

i love not smoking. i feel like i have been given a gift.

i love that my friends have quit.

rae quit a while ago but she was never as addicted as i was so i don't know if it was this milestone in her life..i think it just happened naturally like so many people wish it would. i guess she caught it early. go rae. i'm jealous.

noop was kind of in the same boat as rae, never addicted and smoked for such a short period of time that i don't know if it really counted lol...but her gf quit a while ago too!

vanessa was in the same boat as rae and noop. go vanessa!

my therapist quit fourteen years ago and according to her, she smoked "forever." and she is a role model, she is the shit. she is the friggin bomb, the freak'n fairy princess of the west side. so i'll be damned if i'm not reaping the benefits of her wise wise wisdom.

in chronological order:

becca quit.

reema quit.

sarah quit.

marnie quit.

anelise quit and that was so unexpected because she told me herself she wasn't about to do it until all this college business was over....but i mean...when's it gonna be over, really? so she quit. she freak'n quit. the girl is incredible.

this is so empowering.

not to mention that a lot of my friends have never smoked in the first place. eva, lisa, michelle, coley, kira, chan, bri, jill, emiko, alex. it occurred to me the other night that if i'd hung out with coley, kira, erin, james and dan, that for once i wouldn't be the only smoker in the group. we would be an entirely healthy, smoke-free, life-affirming bunch. i felt clean. :)

i love breathing, and i really don't want to desensitize myself from this. which is partly why i've been meditating.

sometimes i miss smoking, but when i do i tell myself one or more of several things from this list:

"i'm not missing, lacking anything, i haven't lost anything; rather, i've only gained so much quality of life, so much beauty."

"this is a beautiful thing, experiencing the air as it really is, the enhanced smells and tastes."

"i have a stronger immune system now."

"i have more color in my skin now."

"i can walk and run and climb up stairs and run down streets to catch a train and not be insanely out of breath (only what nonsmokers would experience). i have asthma and it still affects me often, usually mildly - so THANK GOD i don't have the effects of smoking to compound that."

"i can choose not to smoke now, as opposed to being a smoker and not feeling like i had a choice. i can choose now, and based on the logic, i can choose against smoking, freely now."

"I can choose not to smoke because of the health deficits. i can choose to remind myself that cigarettes contain rat poison and do i really want to inhale that shit? why not put my mouth over an exhaust pipe and take a deep breath?"

"i can choose to remind myself that cigarettes contain carbon monoxide and my effing god, i had a friend who killed herself with this very method, so why would a life-affirming person commit such a blatantly destructive act? i choose not to inhale that motherfucking shit."

"i can choose to remember that the injection of the contents of one cigarette alone will KILL YOU. isn't that crazy??? i can choose not to die a slow and uncomfortable and in the end torturous and guilt-ridden death."

"i can choose to remember that HEY! i've stopped purging and my teeth are doing so much better these days! why ruin that? why not go all the way? go for whiteness, take care of my teeth, what have they ever done to me besides put up with all my SHIT!?"

i don't want to feel like blatant shit seven times a day (when i take the very last drag and extinguish each cigarette) and inconspicuous shit for the rest of the day.

i want to experience this gorgeous winter brisk that we've got now. god help me if i smoke my way through it - i will only make my asthma worse (cold makes it even worse), i won't smell the snow, and i'll only be outside to smoke, huddling under the least windy corner i could find to warm my body whose circulation has been slowed and is therefore COLDER than a nonsmoker to begin with).

i can walk in my house now and hug my mom and not have to worry about not getting too close or hugging too fast so she won't smell the cigarettes which of COURSE she does but now i can hug my mom freely and as long as i want, no guilt, no hiding!!!

no apologizing to people i hug, "sorry i smell like smoke."

my music...thank god i don't have to worry about cutting down just enough before a concert. and thank goodness i don't play partly to look forward to the after-show cigarette. thank goodness i don't base my days or events around cigarettes.

thank goodness i don't need to check and make sure i have my cigarettes with me in the morning. and that i don't need to make sure i have one in hand BEFORE i get outside, lest i waste a minute of precious time NOT smoking, lest i don't get that fix PRONTO.

and perhaps most of all, thank goodness i don't have to agonize and wonder in the ever-increasing bout of reality over the thought of, "my god, when am i going to stop?"

"i have to stop SOMETIME."

"is this going to go on forever?"

"come on, be serious now....at some point you're going to have to stop."

i convinced myself i enjoyed it because i knew someday i wouldn't "get to do it." but was i wrong. there is no such thing as enjoying a cigarette. its all brainwashing. you don't enjoy it. if you enjoyed it it wouldn't make you miserable. its got to be an illusion.

allen carr - "the easyway to stop smoking."

it has worked a miracle for me.

time for bed.

kolormehappygirl@aol.com — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:13:17 GMT

my friend's uncle told us about this philosopher who talks about how executing a decision is like riding an elephant. you decide you want the elephant to turn, but you and try and try and he doesn't turn. the decision is the elephant, and the decision-maker is you. in order to act on the decision, you have to find a way to move the elephant. i don't think you can force him. i think you have to think of ways to motivate him. why should he want to turn? what's in it for him? what purpose does executing this decision actually serve? take little steps. maybe you can help the elephant move one foot at first, just a tiny bit. why doesn't he want to move? maybe he is used to his environment. maybe he is scared. maybe he is stubborn. what would make change more rewarding? what would make it freeing? why does he stay stuck? maybe he doesn't know he is stuck. maybe he isn't....that's another thing. being stuck is a state of mind. we can unstick ourselves if we so choose. if i can convince this elephant to turn, maybe i'll be free.